Hey you,

How do you love?

For as long as I can remember, worrying about someone I loved always came without question.

When I got sick, my parents saw me in pain and took me to the doctor to help me feel better. Their worry was an expression of love. They wanted to make sure I was safe. That meant they loved me, and I did feel loved.

That became one of my ways to love until I learned it wasn't supposed to be like that.

When my boyfriend was going through something that troubled him, I told him I was worried about him. Although I meant no harm, I could tell that it made him feel worse.

Worry can actually be harmful when it coexists with love.

Even though I did it in the name of love, I didn't think about how my worry about my loved ones affected them.

When our loved ones are already having a hard time, we want them to feel less overwhelmed, right? We can't afford to have them worry about us too.

Worry burdens. Love shouldn't.

I also realized that:

• The more I voiced my worries, the more frustrated I also became.
• Even though worry is normal, it doesn't always mean we care.

There are no absolute ways to love someone. But if I were to outline how I go about doing mine, here's what my checklist would look like :

😕 Separate concern from worry

Despite having somewhat similar meanings, they are not the same.

Worry: He said he felt stressed about his situation. What if it's worse than it seems? I can share some ways that might be helpful for him.

Concern: He said he felt stressed about his situation. But he'll let me know if he needs me. I'm sure he can get through it because I have faith in him.

You see, worrying adds no value to our relationships because it depletes our loved ones and ourselves. It robs us of serenity.

Concern, on the other hand, entails more calmness. It leads to something effective for the situation.

❓ Once you know the difference, ask. Don’t assume

When people I cared about were distressed, I used to offer them solutions that had worked for me in the past. But the mistakes were already there.

I assumed I knew how they felt. I assumed I knew what was best for them.

If you've done the same, let's check in with ourselves: have we ever asked first instead of assuming?

Maybe they only need us to be beside them. Maybe the last thing they need is more advice they didn't ask for.

Those are still maybes. They remain assumptions until they are proven wrong. So hear them out first.

👍 But it’s also alright not to know…

I recently told my boyfriend that I felt like I was going into winter depression, and he asked if there was anything he could do to help.

I told him I'd love some help, but I didn't even know what kind of help I needed.

Not everyone has to know what they need in a situation.

When someone I love is struggling, and I don't know what they need, then I learn to let it be. It's okay for us not to know. Sometimes it's just that easy.

​

Disclaimer: Everything expressed here comes from my personal experience. I never claim to be an expert. Please consult a licensed medical professional if you or your loved ones need help.

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I hope you enjoy this letter. See you at the next one. 💕

Cheers,

Devi